icecomets (icecomets) wrote,

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That was a 14 month time sink,

The boyfriend and I finally broke up -- and I'm left unbelievably angry and miffed. The relationship, essentially, was fine because whilst I worked and took classes and had the baby around for most of my time -- I still drove over to him or forced myself to go to his house just so that we could spend time together. As time went on I became increasingly tired. In the middle of fucking me one night I collapsed from the force of his thrust and, even more alarming, I couldn't lift myself back up -- my arms were shaking and they were just done. I decided to voice my concerns and told him that -- since he has a license -- I needed him to start pulling his weight on that front and driving. He only worked 5 days a week so that was his only obligation and it would be a lot easier for me to not do all the driving all the time and consistently pulling time out of my ass if he pulled some time out of his netflix binging of horror movies or playing his terrible PS3 games to help me (I didn't mention the netflix thing or the PS3 thing but I definitely thought it). He said he would. This was in February. Fast forward to late April -- because I've still been pushing myself, overextending myself, thinking that hey -- maybe he's actually practicing like he said (though it didn't make sense to me why needed to practice since he already has a license) -- I bring it up with him. He admits he hasn't been practicing at all. I get upset. Frustrated. Infuriated. I told him that's it, I'm not overextending myself anymore, I'm not pushing myself to drive here and back and then I'm struggling to stay awake on the Van Wyck Expressway at three in the morning. He needed to start to drive and pull a little bit of the weight or it would destroy us. This was in late April. I did exactly what I said I would do. We had one opportunity to be intimate at AnimeNEXT because everyone left the room to go to the shopping center -- but it couldn't happen because, just like the other times, he would lose his erection way too easily and quite frankly, at that point, I was not emotionally invested enough to sit there BORED OUT OF MY MIND and work on it for an hour or more only to not be fucked anyway. Then comes July. I start my summer class, which is basically a 4 week class condensed into 15 weeks, and I worked 30 hours a week in 3 days -- on top of having the baby with me a few days of the week. I spent all of my Sundays crying because I was too tired to move from the bed. Finally, in August, he drops the we need to talk bomb on me whilst I'm in Chelsea walking to Doughnut Plant. Fine. I decided this wasn't really a conversation to have over the phone like this -- so I decided to have it in person yesterday; which we did. He admitted that the reason he refuses to drive to me or drive anywhere to meet me halfway or something like that is because he is just too lazy to do it so he won't. I think that's when a switch went off in my brain that it would never work. Eventually, when I offered to go back to the way things were because part of me wasn't ready to lose this yet -- he flipped out and told me he didn't want that, he didn't want anything. I grabbed my dog, my things, and my laptop and I ran down his stairs and out of his house and to my car. I had managed to remain stoic the whole time but I was starting to get upset. Not even because he had broken up with me. He was gone from the moment I put some pressure on him to aid in maintaining the relationship. But because I have never really dealt with anyone who was simply too lazy to do their part in the relationship -- because they just couldn't care enough to do it. I was angry. I cried. A not in service bus was nice to me at the stop sign and stopped traffic so I could go. I started texting this one friend of mine in particular who has always been sweet to me. It was nice getting reaffirmation from my other male friends that my now ex was pretty much an idiot. And they're right. What am I really losing here? I can buy myself Attack on Titan issues every month and I can remember to pick up female Thor comics when they come out in October. Other than that, I haven't lost anything.

I am still pissed beyond belief, though. I think I will be for a while.
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